If you’ve ever spoken to me, you may have noticed I speak with a slight stutter. It’s so slight, you may not have even noticed it until just now. Indeed, I never noticed. For my entire life, everyone I’ve ever known has either been polite it not bringing it up or just unconscious of the fact. Only last spring did someone point it out. On the day I had arranged to perform a soliloquy from Paradise Lost for an English class, I got an odd e-mail from the professor:
Hi Will,
It occurred to me that asking you to do a recitation in class might not be entirely fair and I wanted to give you the opportunity to do some other written assignment in lieu of this one or recite the lines to me in my office. I’m sorry I didn’t think of this earlier. I think last time we talked you mentioned you were scheduled for tomorrow, but it’s fine if you would prefer not to do it in class.
That class, I proceeded with the recitation and bombed, due more to memory failures than stuttering. Afterwards, she elaborated on the e-mail with me privately. She assumed I had a diagnosed speech impediment. The confused but not hostile look I had on my face must have made her want to curl up in a ball and die on the spot. I have the feeling I got a high grade on the project as an apology.
Prior to that class, I was pretty loose with my words. The impact of my professor’s misunderstanding goes beyond stuttering. Self-criticism of my stuttering spills over into general speaking ability. Everything I say is analysed by my brain after the fact for damage control purposes. I’ve become obsessed with the twelve-second past that most people retain as short-term memory. Did my sentence come out in a continuous stream? If not, rephrase it and say it right. Did I say unintentionally creepy? Panic and backpedal. Was there an unintended double entendre? Tack on a ‘That’s what she said’ and turn it in my favour.
No—scratch the last item. According to the laws governing that phrase, it has to be in response to another person’s comment, not your own. The best I can and will do is laugh along.