spamguy

This post was originally written June 12, 2003. I pull it back up because Jennifer had the gall to attribute these same observations to a professional comedian…tsk, tsk.

There’s a ton of these in my neighbourhood:

Of all regulatory signs in existence, I happen to have the most qualms with this one. Let’s discuss.

• Bizarre clothing. Why is this kid wearing a cap and knee socks? Most kids I know avoid wearing clothing meant for ski season all year. Considering they live in Texas, too, I think they’re mostly in the right. The sign maker responsible for making the United States fearful of striking down kids wormholed from Victorian fashion must be dealt with harshly. It’s understandable that repeated viewings of Oliver! could cause some distortion of reality. Still, one would think anyone with smarts at the DPS (which, by the looks of things, was no one) would have brought up some concerns to the administrators.

‘Excuse me, Dr. X, I’m afraid Mr. Y has gone loopy. He’s putting people with outrageous fashion sense on all our signs.’
‘Dear god! He must be stopped!’
‘But his signs are already out to the nation! By next month, “No Parking” signs will feature plaid!’ (insert panicked screaming)

Indeed, with such strange clothes, the child on the sign only drives us further to crush those stupid kids in the middle of the street. Consider this: did you enjoy reading Victorian novels at gunpoint at school? Probably not. Seeing a Dickensian vignette in front of your Honda is thus only going to make you drive faster. So kid: take off those knickerbockers and cap, and I’ll take you to Structure, my treat.

• Slow / children? Slow children? The ambiguity of the sign’s wording unnerves me. The lack of punctuation on the sign presents three potential meanings a driver must arrive at:

1. Slow children playing. Hit ‘em while they’re still in the street! They can’t run far!
2. ‘Slow children’ playing. Stupid kids tend to congregate in this neighbourhood; dunno why.
3. Slow: children playing. The intended meaning of the sign (I hope); the government can never assume we’ll think what they want us to think, though.

And there you have it. Until next time, it’s ‘No Parking,’ not ‘No: Parking!,’ comrades. ((Added note from the me of 2007: well, maybe it is ‘No: Parking!’. Restaurants along Austin’s Congress Avenue seem to use the same sign for deterring bums from using their toilets. Trouble is, this sign is written ‘NO! BATHROOMS!’.))

This beaut is from September 15th, 2004:

It has been discovered that only a select few words can be called ‘conversation enders.’ Regardless of usage, these words’ placement guarantees that the responder will stop talking to you, even if mid-sentence. It is, in a sense, a social EOF.

Only two words have been identified so far. They are ‘flaccid’ and ‘herpes’ (when used in the non-medical sense). The following are sample applications:

‘He/She/It is flaccid.’
‘Do you smell herpes?’
‘Charles’ herpes is flaccid again.’
‘My dog is named Woofy herpes.’ Note how herpes does not actually fit into the sentence structurally. Again, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that it is there.

We will continue this search without pause until this group is complete.