I discovered a more tactful way I could have taught him. The Texas Hill Country has a line for this very occasion: ‘It’s Burnet, durn it, can’t you learn it?’

As you can see, I take my burgers seriously. I keep meaning to post a Top 5 list.

At Kerbey Lane, it became more than a craving: it was a divine mandate. The Pancake of the Day…

…was Strawberry. Weebl’s Stuff, you’ve done it again.

CLASSIC FILMS THAT OBSCURE OBJECT OF DESIRE

Paramount, like many arthouse theatres, is pandering to a microscopic niche market: the group of people that know what they want but would rather they didn’t. ((If you’re totally lost, here’s a hint.))

Amazing. 26⁸ acronyms of that length to choose from, and they chose the one that coincides with the festival making original sin—very original sin—out of pseudomeat.

As I mentally flipped through every joint in Austin I’ve ever visited to play since 1991, I was immediately horrified. They’ve all shut down. Every. Single. One.

• One of the last places I ever visited to mini golf was on the edge of town, McNeil Dr. Well, back when McNeil Dr. was the edge of town. It was classy and upscale, as North Austin commanded. Clearly not classy and upscale enough, though, because I can’t find even remains of the property in Google Maps.
• Celebration Station was a behemoth of kiddie fun, like a multistory warehouse of arcade machines. It rivaled the size of its next-door neighbour, Sam’s Club. Any business that is about the same size as a freakin’ bulk purchasing chain means freakin’ business! Driving through I-35 near present-day Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, a beautiful golf course—waterfall present, naturally—was plainly visible. It felt like an oasis in Austin’s least pleasant part of town, the Motor Mile. At some point the property was bought out and leveled. This is what it looks like now. Neither hotel was there originally.
• Although slightly less classy than the McNeil course, there was a Putt-Putt franchise off the 290-I35 intersection, lodged behind Highland Mall. It, too, had a waterfall (what’s with waterfalls as the sole status symbol of putt-putt courses?), plus intricate props and three 18-hole courses. It too was shut down, paved over, etc. etc. etc. I’m almost certain this is what has replaced the main shop, with office space filling out the course itself. Note that the Artarama sign in front is almost certainly Putt-Putt’s original highway sign. The head was a ball, the body was a tee.
• Not every mini golf spot was bulldozed and converted into the antithesis of fun. The Putt-Putt course on Burnet Rd. is very much still there. Dirty, graffitied, and untouched for years, it is otherwise intact. Anyone for midnight mini golf?
• There was also a golf course next to Bill Miller’s BBQ, which was also on Burnet. I may or may not have gottten a chance to play there before it went under. It dropped out early, so memories are hazy.

Five failed miniature golf courses in less than ten years! Only two were under the management of the Putt-Putt franchise, which has cut corners in recent years to stay afloat. But what of the other three? It’s an inexplicable phenomenon, and I’m sure Austin is not the only city feeling it. This leaves Kiddie Acres (by its name, the place would make me feel a little out of place just going there to golf) and Peter Pan as the only two Austin landmark mini golf courses. Both have always been rather run-down, which have only added to their charm.

Is such a dwindling art recoverable? I doubt it; any calls to action or recommendations I could make would be drowned out by those made by other people. If you feel strongly, pressure the people at Putt-Putt to return to Austin and let them know they would be much appreciated. In the meantime, make sure to spend your hard-earned dollars at Peter Pan Golf (beer to drink at said location: optional) to offset the killer property taxes they must be paying.

If you need me, I’ll be drinking malt liquor underneath the Artarama sign.