Archive for March, 2008

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Bomb

Monday, March 31st, 2008

If you’ve ever spoken to me, you may have noticed I speak with a slight stutter. It’s so slight, you may not have even noticed it until just now. Indeed, I never noticed. For my entire life, everyone I’ve ever known has either been polite it not bringing it up or just unconscious of the fact. Only last spring did someone point it out. On the day I had arranged to perform a soliloquy from Paradise Lost for an English class, I got an odd e-mail from the professor:

Hi Will,

It occurred to me that asking you to do a recitation in class might not be entirely fair and I wanted to give you the opportunity to do some other written assignment in lieu of this one or recite the lines to me in my office. I’m sorry I didn’t think of this earlier. I think last time we talked you mentioned you were scheduled for tomorrow, but it’s fine if you would prefer not to do it in class.

That class, I proceeded with the recitation and bombed, due more to memory failures than stuttering. Afterwards, she elaborated on the e-mail with me privately. She assumed I had a diagnosed speech impediment. The confused but not hostile look I had on my face must have made her want to curl up in a ball and die on the spot. I have the feeling I got a high grade on the project as an apology.

Prior to that class, I was pretty loose with my words. The impact of my professor’s misunderstanding goes beyond stuttering. Self-criticism of my stuttering spills over into general speaking ability. Everything I say is analysed by my brain after the fact for damage control purposes. I’ve become obsessed with the twelve-second past that most people retain as short-term memory. Did my sentence come out in a continuous stream? If not, rephrase it and say it right. Did I say unintentionally creepy? Panic and backpedal. Was there an unintended double entendre? Tack on a ‘That’s what she said’ and turn it in my favour.

No—scratch the last item. According to the laws governing that phrase, it has to be in response to another person’s comment, not your own. The best I can and will do is laugh along.

Group Hug

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Group Hug is to me what comfort food is to most others. When I’m feeling lousy (an increasingly common emotion) I go to Group Hug and remember that other people have screwed their lives up far, far worse. I haven’t cheated in relationships. I don’t cut myself. I haven’t fallen in love with past or present bosses.

Many scenarios painted there are fake, but I have had trouble distinguishing between the site’s truth and fiction. It doesn’t matter. Even if the site were 100% lies, it would be a digital soap opera, one that I can appreciate, one that still has its roots firmly planted in feasibility. Television soaps long ago gave up on recycled reality and have since found suspension of disbelief to be an acceptable crutch. For a good time, I recommend reading weekly soap opera summaries found in many newspapers.

The Pen Game

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Greetings from Galveston’s TxDLA conference! I have mixed feelings about being here. On one hand, I love the exhibit portion of conferences. Since tagging along to my father’s ALA attendances as a kid I’ve learned to talk the talk, walk the walk, and maximise the awesomeness-to-mass ratio of my schwag bag. Now that I have a job tied to my presence at a conference, the devil-may-care attitude of stealing goods is frowned upon. The background of this conference has little applicability to my organisation and even less to myself.

I still try to salvage a little from my childhood practises by playing the Pen Game. (Not to be confused with Pen 15.) The goal: steal as many pens as possible. Other forms of logoed goodies do not apply. Get co-travellers to compete with you if possible.

My score after Day 1? 5. Laugh at you want for being able to count that high on one hand: I’m working with harsh conditions, like a tiny conference hall barely filled halfway.

Point, Counterpoint

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

As a UT employee, I’m thrilled to be able to use its resources to continue my composition. Even as a Case Western student, continuing my studies was impossible because I was not in the music major brotherhood. Since taking composition classes was out of the question, learning was limited to me versus a couple aged books from a one-room music library.

A year later, the horizons have broadened. I’m no closer to taking music major classes, and that will probably never change. Instead, I have been given no less than a free pass to a warehouse of music. I park in front of Bass Concert Hall without fear of getting ticketed, wander aimlessly through n-thousand scores, and check out all the texts I want for four to six months. Not days or weeks…months! That’s a semester-long hold.

I had a trial run tonight. I flipped through a reproduction of a 200 year-old score and invested in several volumes about counterpoint: J.J. Fux’s (hold your snickering) The Study of Counterpoint (used by many of the old masters themselves), Walter Piston’s Counterpoint, and Kent Kennan’s Counterpoint. Maybe I’ll toss in a few words here about each volume as I peruse them.

1UP

Tuesday, March 18th, 2008

Continuing the thread of disturbing renditions of Super Mario, there’s also very gay steel worker Mario. Normally I would proclaim this another idea seized by Rule #34 of the Internet. ((Every time I google rule 34 in search of links that define the concept, the top hits never fail to be grosser than before. So, like I need to warn you: clicking on the above link is not a good idea.)) In this case I saw this picture set long enough ago that it actually predates the Rule. But universal gravitation existed before Newton, yes?

Good Artists Copy, Great Artists Steal

Monday, March 17th, 2008

Steve Jobs once said, ‘Good artists copy. Great artists steal.’ Or was it Picasso who said that? Never mind. On the Internet, it’s ‘Good artists use Photoshop. Great artists use 4chan.’

A talented Photoshop artist created this nauseating but flawlessly photorealistic likeness of Super Mario. Another, even more talented artist not only claimed the work as his own, but built up a complex, fraudulent back story to it. Unfortunately, between this morning and now, the latter has ‘fessed up and taken ‘his’ work down. (His excuse: if it’s on 4chan, it must be public domain, right? Right?) In the interim he had built up pages and pages of comments, starting off with holy praise and ending with death threats. After the takedown, all that remains on his deviantart profile is an empty gallery and, amongst other items, a cleavage-enhanced rendition of Sally from Sonic the Hedgehog,  the darkest cartoon series Saturday mornings have ever known.

The Next Man on the Moon Will be Chinese

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

The latest earworm I have looping in iTunes comes from an unexpected source. Two unexpected sources, actually: PBS’ show of talking heads The McLaughlin Group and rocker Andrew W.K. As John McLaughlin grows older and more senile (Saturday Night Live proves he’s been that way for more than 15 years), his banter with equally insane Pat Buchanan becomes increasingly odd.

MR. MCLAUGHLIN: Question: Does Romney’s endorsement seal the deal? Is McCain now the inevitable Republican nominee? I ask you, Pat.
MR. BUCHANAN: John, absent celestial intervention, I think he’s going to get the nomination.
MR. MCLAUGHLIN: Absent what?
MR. BUCHANAN: Celestial intervention.
MR. MCLAUGHLIN: Well, it happens, Pat. May he rest in peace, Paul Wellstone. John Heinz was killed in an airplane crash.
MR. BUCHANAN: Well, let’s not speculate on it.
MR. MCLAUGHLIN: Death comes in the night on cats’ paws, Pat. You never know.
MR. BUCHANAN: On little cats’ feet. That’s the fog, John, that comes in on little cats’ feet.
MR. MCLAUGHLIN: I changed it to cat – Sandberg be damned.

I’m indifferent to Andrew W.K. and his style, but for some reason he found musical inspiration in this conversation. The resulting mini-tune is addictive as hell. I can’t help thinking that without knowledge of the song’s context, it wouldn’t be nearly half as interesting.

History of the World Part II: Haydn's Creation

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

I have the attention span of a flea so my personal projects tend to be short and sweet. A couple projects are exceptions. I am pleased to be wrapping up one of them after more than two years.

Franz Joseph Haydn’s oratorio Die Schöpfung (The Creation) is one of my favourite works. I took countless music courses in college, but in the case of The Creation, I discovered it through Final Fantasy VII. ((The opening segment, ‘Die Vorstellung des Chaos,’ can be heard in Disc 1. A FMV shows President Shinra watching Midgar collapsing from his office; The Creation plays in the background. Haydn is given a nod in the musical end credits.)) You don’t have to care about religion to appreciate its depth and beauty. Haydn is music’s version of John Milton, in that he attempts no less than documenting the history of the cosmos.

I’ve been rereleasing public domain music under a Creative Commons license for years, all under the management of Mutopia Project. The overture to Fidelio was big. The complete Tchaichovsky Violin Concerto was bigger. The first of three parts of The Creation, though, intends to beat its predecessors to a pulp and leave them to die in the gutter. I only have a rough draft of the score ready, but it’s a clear demonstration that my efforts have paid off. Producing this draft may have taken 2.5 years, but surprisingly, only about a year of it was spent working. ((In more cases can I care to admit, ‘working’ includes time that I was interning and on the clock at the Federal Reserve Bank.)) The rest was sitting on my thumbs. Most of the time I was waiting for prohibitive bugs in lilypond to be fixed; sometimes it was just long stretches of laziness.

Copyright has also been a problem I’ve needed to work around; the edition I had been using is well away from copyright expiration, meaning I can’t release it without lying or finding a workaround. This year, though, came divine help. My father coincidentally informed me that the Harry Ransom Center at UT Austin picked up a first edition score of The Creation, likely the same edition used at the work’s 1798 première. By adapting my score to this publication, I’ll be using an edition that’s been out of copyright for almost 200 years. Problem solved.

I’d be honoured if you gave the draft a look [PDF, 11.8MB], even if only in passing interest. I’ll upload the MIDIs later for a more practical source of enjoyment. Movement 1 (‘Die Vorstellung des Chaos’) is the big mama and will need to be rendered separately. I apparently forgot to do Movement 7, but that can be fixed with a few minutes of quick typing. After some half-assed proofreading I’ll make individual instrument parts and ship the whole thing off. The desired end result: the largest legal but freely available score on the Internet.

The Right To Bear Chainsaws

Saturday, March 8th, 2008

The deeper recesses of Wikipedia tend to have the worst and least creative vandalism. In researching yesterday’s post about obnoxious riddles, I encountered Wikipedia’s analysis of the hypothetical question. Contrary to tradition, the article has been lovingly molested and twisted into brilliant absurdity. The examples cited are below, in case future authors trash the article in a last-ditch effort to maintain academic standards. (Ha!)

  • What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical question?
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  • What if someone had a knife to cut us out of this hypothetical situation?
  • Which would you rather fight, one queen-size mattress or two single-size mattresses?
  • If you were a bear with chainsaw arms, what would be your stance on deforestation?
  • What would you do if I cheated on you?
  • What would you do if I slapped you?
  • If trees screamed, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
  • What if they screamed all the time for no good reason?
  • Would you rather have another sibling or a toaster oven?
  • Would you rather kill a turtle or have one of your good friends become a Scientologist?
  • Were I to be a pretty, pretty lady, would you love me?
  • If a shark were to high-five a bear with chainsaw arms, would it make a sound?
  • What if 3-ways were required by law?
  • What if Thucydides had been Herodotus? Would it make a sound?
  • Would it make a sound?
  • Could God, in his infinite Wisdom and Power, create a beer so bad that he himself could not drink it?
  • If tissues were edible, what wine would be served with them?
  • What if, in 1980, plutonium was available at every corner store?
  • What if Jesus was the ultimate drinker?
  • If wine could become blood, what blood type would it be?
  • If you were an Athenian during the Peloponesian War fleeing a litigious and plague ridden Athens, what former king/rapist turned bird would go to for help? For extra credit, after you have constructed a wall blocking heaven off from earth, how would you convince Heracles to let you marry the Princess in order to become the highest divinity of all?

It's All About the Blockquotes

Friday, March 7th, 2008

If you did a double-take loading this site, sorry—just another theme trial. Unlike the striped turquoise minty feel, this is simple and warm. Above all, though, it has formatted blockquotes. Sexy, sexy blockquotes.